I. Was. Frustrated.  End-of-my-rope, had-it-up-to-here, last nerve shot. You get the picture.  I was trying to meet a writing deadline and Little Man wanted my attention.  Badly.  I would like to put on my “perfect Mom” face for you and say that I responded to him gently with love.  But I didn’t.

I know you know what I’m talking about.  Maybe you are flashing back to a moment when you reacted the same way or maybe I should be relegated to the Mothers Hall of Shame as the sole inductee.  Either way, I am deeply saddened that I did NOT respond to him in the way that God would want me to.

Did I need to meet that deadline?  Yes.  Was Little Man responsible for keeping me from meeting my deadline?  No.  My lack of planning and my fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants tendencies are responsible, NOT my almost 4-year-old son who simply wanted his mama to play soccer with him.  He doesn’t understand deadlines or stress, nor do I want him to at this point in his life.  And I certainly don’t want him to feel like HE is the source of stress – a burden, a bother, an INCONVENIENCE.

I could tell by his face that my words and emotions behind them had made him feel this way and

I.

Was.

Devastated.

I scooped him up in my arms and asked him to forgive me for talking to him so rudely.  I told him that I was deeply sorry for hurting his feelings and that I would love to play soccer with him.  In front of him, I asked Jesus to forgive me of impatience and unkindness and asked him to pray with me for God to help me respond in a kind way.  In that amazingly resilient way that kids have, he instantly forgave me and was thrilled to have his mama show him some soccer moves.

The scenario didn’t end for me as easily as it had for him, however.  I carried my devastation to my pillow that night and wallowed in it.  “What is WRONG with me?!” I asked myself over and over.  I prayed for God to do whatever it takes to mold me and shape me into the person and mom he wants me to be.  I cried out to God from my shame and self-loathing.  You see, the kind of response I gave my son that day was common in my childhood and while not common for me to respond that way to him, I did not want to continue that cycle in any way.  I knew I needed to identify the real reason for my frustration and make changes.

After much prayer and time with God, I had a light bulb moment.  I was frustrated because my attention was turned toward something (writing deadline) other than what it needed to be turned toward (my son).  Simple, huh?  Insert big loud DUH here!

The problem was I thought I could do two things at once which was unrealistic since BOTH things required my undivided attention.  Through my lack of planning and own selfishness, I had assembled a recipe for disaster!  And I was not pleased with the dish that I served.

What I learned is that when I am with my son, I need to BE THERE!  Be ALL there!  Not that I shouldn’t or couldn’t do other things but the things I do start or work on should be of the type that I can walk away from if he needs me to.  This eliminates that double pull on my time and resulting stress and frustration that spills out onto those I love most.  I am responsible to God to parent my son in a firm, nurturing, loving way.  When I allow other things to take priority over or compete with him for my attention, it benefits no one at all and causes me to fall short of bringing God glory in my parenting.

The issue is with ME and my heart, not my son and his need for my time.  I love something I read somewhere:  “Kids take up time.  They just do.  They were made that way.” Instead of resenting that, I for one intend to start enjoying that.

Please don’t leave me flapping vulnerably in the wind all alone here!  Have you had to deal with this yourself?  Share with me (please).

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